Lately I've been thinking I'd like to celebrate in a big way come September when I'll be turning 26. There isn't any particular rite of passage when turning 26, not that I can think of anyway. It's just that 25 has been a tough year for me.
Why has 25 been so tough? I've asked myself this over and over and I think I am starting to figure it out. Overall 25 has been a good year filled with family and friends, an amazing husband who continues to love and care for me through thick and thin, I even finally got a puppy, which has been a lifelong dream! Thankfully 25 hasn't brought me death of any close relations, no famine or disease. So why has it been so tough? Why has it been so emotionally draining?
I'm healing.
I'm learning that healing correctly is tough. It's like a broken bone that wasn't allowed to heal correctly the first time. Often it has to be re-broken so it can be set correctly, this time healing the right way. I feel like it is the same with my emotional healing process.
First the original break. I don't think there was any specific traumatic experience for me. I think many of us have different circumstances that make life difficult, even from a young age.
Healing on our own. The thing is, when it is our normal, when we know nothing other than our own circumstance, as imperfect as it may have been, we create our own coping mechanisms. These self-learned coping skills help us heal, but not always in the most healthy of ways. One example of a personal imperfect coping mechanism for me? Food. Feeding the bad feelings away. Often the problem with our self-healing is that there are negative side effects. We become dependent on the wrong crutches.
Re-breaking and healing. This is the stage I am currently in. It's painful. It's the reason for 25 being such a tough year. In order to reset our minds, we often have to once again come face-to-face with some feelings or memories we have purposely locked away. We have to dig at our own wounds. Lately I have been craving a week or so of denial. Denying doesn't allow for healing. We need to allow for self-introspection. However, we can't just bring up past pains and sit with it. We need to explore ourselves with help in healing. We need to read about others who have had similar experiences and who have come out ahead stronger. We need to talk to a therapist or other professional who can help us work through the pain and teach us new, better coping mechanisms. We need to seek spiritual guidance and especially comfort. These steps aren't quick. I told my therapist last week about my plans of celebrating big on my next birthday. How I've wanted to put 25, and the pain that has accompanied this healing process, behind me. Move on. I am so over feeling this pain. She gave me wise counsel, as she always does. Although it is important to celebrate our progress, we need to be careful as to not put a time limit on how long the healing process takes. I can't rush these things.
Final healing. I believe that I will never be fully healed in this lifetime. This life is a journey. This is not a reason to be discouraged. Everyday I continue to learn and grow. Everyday I am able to utilize better coping mechanisms. Everyday I can deal rather than suppress. Everyday I will celebrate having my foot on the path. Find joy in the journey.
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