Welcome Friend!

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Provo, Utah, United States
Currently I am a work at home wife to the hottest and hardest working man I know. Until we have children we have found baby place-fillers in our puppy Maybe, three rats Ollie, Dew and Dash, our two turtles Turbie and Cootie and a few fish who will remain unnamed (because I forgot to ever name them). I struggle with depression, anxiety and related issues. My struggles do not define me. I am currently on a journey to further my self understanding and invite you to join me.


The Climb

Last night while I was alone driving home in my little Civic good ole Miley Cyrus' The Climb played on the radio.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing

Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Yeah so little miss Hannah Montana had me in tears. Granted I can cry over almost anything these days. I think my emotions (good and bad) are just super sharp lately. Any how, this week I have felt pretty strong. I have felt strong despite having some mountains try to get in my way. I guess I need to continue to learn the whole, "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again".

It can be a real challenge finding a therapist who you really feel comfortable with. It is ever so important to keep trying different people if you aren't feeling a great connection. You need to feel comfortable in really opening up and you especially need to feel like you can trust your therapist with all those topics that are already so hard to talk about. 

This week my therapist dumped me. 

OK this isn't totally true but it is how it made me feel. I've been seeing her for 5ish months and I've become pretty attached.  I'm so grateful for all she has taught me and she has a great way of making me feel that I'm not as worthless as my brain likes to tell me. The problem is, the is leaving town for 6-weeks. She told me that for a lot of her clients she feels safe letting them work on their own while she is gone. 

I'm special. 

My therapist feels we've made a lot of progress but that a 6-week break from talking to anyone could possible set me back. She also thinks I could benefit from new insight. 

Sometimes I feel like I am taking one step forward, two steps back but I know I really am learning and progressing. I will just keep on keeping on! 

P.S. I can't stress enough how important it is to really shop around when it comes to finding the right therapist fit for you. I also can't stress enough how important talking to a professional can be in your own personal journey. As hard as it can be, try to be patient. You will find a great confidant (they better be great, because they don't come cheap!).  Also, if you are like me and find yourself needing to find another therapist even after finding a great fit, remember- there isn't only one Mr. or Mrs. Right!


Can't rush this.

These things can't be rushed.

Lately I've been thinking I'd like to celebrate in a big way come September when I'll be turning 26. There isn't any particular rite of passage when turning 26, not that I can think of anyway. It's just that 25 has been a tough year for me.

Why has 25 been so tough? I've asked myself this over and over and I think I am starting to figure it out. Overall 25 has been a good year filled with family and friends, an amazing husband who continues to love and care for me through thick and thin, I even finally got a puppy, which has been a lifelong dream! Thankfully 25 hasn't brought me death of any close relations, no famine or disease. So why has it been so tough? Why has it been so emotionally draining?

I'm healing.

I'm learning that healing correctly is tough. It's like a broken bone that wasn't allowed to heal correctly the first time. Often it has to be re-broken so it can be set correctly, this time healing the right way. I feel like it is the same with my emotional healing process.

First the original break. I don't think there was any specific traumatic experience for me. I think many of us have different circumstances that make life difficult, even from a young age.

Healing on our own. The thing is, when it is our normal, when we know nothing other than our own circumstance, as imperfect as it may have been, we create our own coping mechanisms. These self-learned coping skills help us heal, but not always in the most healthy of ways. One example of a personal imperfect coping mechanism for me? Food. Feeding the bad feelings away. Often the problem with our self-healing is that there are negative side effects. We become dependent on the wrong crutches.

Re-breaking and healing. This is the stage I am currently in. It's painful. It's the reason for 25 being such a tough year. In order to reset our minds, we often have to once again come face-to-face with some feelings or memories we have purposely locked away. We have to dig at our own wounds. Lately I have been craving a week or so of denial. Denying doesn't allow for healing. We need to allow for self-introspection. However, we can't just bring up past pains and sit with it. We need to explore ourselves with help in healing. We need to read about others who have had similar experiences and who have come out ahead stronger. We need to talk to a therapist or other professional who can help us work through the pain and teach us new, better coping mechanisms. We need to seek spiritual guidance and especially comfort. These steps aren't quick. I told my therapist last week about my plans of celebrating big on my next birthday. How I've wanted to put 25, and the pain that has accompanied this healing process, behind me. Move on. I am so over feeling this pain. She gave me wise counsel, as she always does. Although it is important to celebrate our progress, we need to be careful as to not put a time limit on how long the healing process takes. I can't rush these things.

Final healing. I believe that I will never be fully healed in this lifetime. This life is a journey. This is not a reason to be discouraged. Everyday I continue to learn and grow. Everyday I am able to utilize better coping mechanisms. Everyday I can deal rather than suppress. Everyday I will celebrate having my foot on the path. Find joy in the journey.



the calm AFTER the storm

During a hurricane the entire world seems to whirl in constant chaos. The howling of wind in the trees turns to full blown screams. Endless sheets of rain are only multiplied in chorus as it crashes onto windows and roofs in waves. The crack of branches giving way which have held strong and steadfast through many storms, until now. Thunder is a constant reminder of how incapable we are against the elements surrounding. Constant cacophony. And the darkness. Day and night blend together without much difference.

Then comes the first silence in days. Emerging outside there are so many reminders of the strong force which shook everything within its bounds. The air is still wet. You can smell it. But hope shines through the leaner trees. The sun is shining. People come out to rejoice. Birds are even chirping. The calm AFTER the storm.

I've no longer made it a secret that I have struggles. We all do. During the storms of our lives it seems impossible to cry out for help. White noise becomes so loud that we begin to believe no matter how loud we were to cry it would be in vain. There is someone there who will listen no matter how loud the cry or soft the whisper. Pray to Him. He will answer, always.

Prayers are answered in different ways, to different people, at different times.

Getting real can be real scary. It's no lie that some of my struggles are less than glamorous. It's real and I need real help. God has often best answered my prayers by guiding the right people into my life. People who have studied long and hard so they can know how to help. I have come so far since seeking help for depression, anxiety, food issues. My doctors, therapist, church leaders, and even you have been placed into my life as answers to prayers. These issues are bigger than me. I could not, can not conquer on my own. If you are struggling please seek help. It is hard to admit you might benefit with help from others. Sometimes we don't feel worth the effort of others. You are worth everything. It gets better. It gets easier.

This is a lifelong journey but through the help of others, most importantly professionals specializing in the areas in which I struggle, everyday I am learning and growing. I am not out of the woods, never will be, but I am proud to say I haven't purged in a month. Mark your victories for they will help you continue to progress, one day at a time.

Emotional health issues are real. They matter and there are people who can help.

Here is a place to start: http://www.providentliving.org/ses/emotionalhealth/0,12283,2112-1,00.html

Depression- http://www.providentliving.org/ses/media/articles/0,11275,2875-1---51,00.html

Anxiety and Fear- http://www.providentliving.org/ses/media/articles/0,11275,2875-1---40,00.html

Eating Disorders- http://www.providentliving.org/ses/media/articles/0,11275,2875-1---53,00.html


I love you and there are others waiting to offer you loving guidance and support.


Reach out for help.


Remember, you are never carrying these burdens alone.


Food is my Drug

This post is hard for me to write.


Food is my drug.


I use food both as a prize and a punishment.

I want to offer what might be a new perspective of eating disorders to some of you.


I take full blame for my weight. Sure I have some genetic links that would act as roadblock to weight loss but I take responsibility for every cookie consumed, every calorie counted, and every missed opportunity for exercise. All I care to offer is a deeper look into weight issues.

Maybe you've experienced this yourself, maybe not.

When you are over weight many people don't think twice before offering off subject advice as to diets to be tried and exercises to be applied. Most are offered with good intentions. Aside from a nutritionist and a personal trainer I bet I have more knowledge than many of these self appointed diet advisors. I know all about the benefits of cardio mixed with strength training to burn calories and strengthen endurance, yoga and pilates to achieve long and lean muscles, benefits from the south beach diet and the zone as being better balanced diets as opposed to diets like the Atkins where you might loose many pounds quick until you can no longer live with the many restrictions so you end up gaining all that was lost and some. I know you can trick your body with shots, drops or pills only to be left feeling drained of all energy or so jittery you feel you might have a heart attack. I know it because I've tried it. I've lost only to gain more. If only I could control my self motivation, my willpower, most all of my life struggles would be cured.

What many self appointed advisors with good intentions don't know is that you already have a constant internal dialogue telling yourself that if only you could run faster, fast longer, work harder you would then be beautiful or of worth.

What they don't know is that you hit rock bottom a few months before, going through the Krispy Kreme drive-thru by yourself. You anxiously drove home knowing that you were about to commit the worst of sin. You sat and stuffed, one by one, a bakers dozen worth of instant gratification only to then experience the deepest depths of self despair and defeat.

What they don't realize is that the only way you can feel you've regained any ounce of control at all is to purge until you can purge no longer.

Soon you see all food as punishment. Inside you hold your own sense of accomplishment in the form of a pang in your stomach. If only I can be this strong. I will go one more hour without food. Then another. I cave and eat an apple but at that point an apple might as well be the equivalent to eating your own weight in lard. You cracked. You can't even succeed at your eating disorder. You are no longer strong. The only comfort being the same fatty food that started this disgusting cycle.



Tough Week Indeed

This week has be tougher than I've had in awhile.

I can never sleep. No matter the insane hour of night, I'm not even tired. I lay there feeling so hopeless. It's such a lonely feeling when you seem to be the only soul awake for miles and miles. I've been falling asleep around four am pretty consistently. That's if I go to sleep at all. I must say, more all-nighters have happened as of late then ever happened in college. Where is Mr. Sandman? I need to have a word with him...

Why is it that 'nobody' seems to agree on anything? I've been trying to seek guidance from those who should know. Multiple doctors, my wonderful therapist. Why can't they agree on much of anything? I tend to feel most trusting of my therapist. Her job is simply to listen and give guidance based on what I tell her. She is wonderful at her job. I always feel she listens so well and I trust the advice and guidance she gives me. She is not a psychiatrist, so she can not diagnose or prescribe on the medical side but she has been doing her thing for a long time. She has an understanding of a lot of the medical side and will give advice on what to further inquire with the docs. The problem is lately the docs haven't given much care into listening. They won't hear me out or listen to what I've worked so hard on in therapy. The docs don't agree with each other, either. It's so derailing. I am trying so hard to figure this out yet roadblocks are found all around.

I am not saying medication is key for everyone, but for me it is a huge part of becoming closer to my goals. Medication alone will not cure this. Therapy alone cannot make my struggles go away. I feel that by tackling this from all angles, through therapy, medication, spiritual guidance, I will have the best chance of finding relief. I have been going through a change in medications. Per my new doc, I have gone off Cymbalta cold turkey. Wellbutrin is now being introduced and I am struggling with this change. A very common side effect of Wellbutrin is nausea and vomiting. The doctor warned me as to what is expected but aside from the less than desirable side effects, Wellbutrin has an extremely high rate of success in many individuals. Granted we are all so different so there is no telling if something that has worked in others will work for you. Gotta try to see, right? The doctor warned against loosing too much weight, too quickly, from taking Wellbutrin. I joked that it sounded like the perfect side effect to me! Loosing weight is always a goal. 7 lbs down so far in less than a week and I have been feeling miserable. This's too shall pass.

I have so many blessings, but we have all had times where it is so hard to focus on the positive.

I am excited for Easter tomorrow. I am excited to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ and I am grateful for the blessings and opportunities his sacrifice has made possible for me. It is a comfort to know that the one person who has felt all of our pains and sorrows is Jesus Christ. He loves us and through him we will find comfort and peace.


Keeping it Confidential

I want everyone to feel comfortable participating in this blog. I just changed the settings to now allow for anonymous comments. Feel free to share comments, topics and questions anonymously if it makes you more comfortable. Also, if you send me emails I won't disclose who questions, comments or topics are coming from unless you tell me you don't mind. I want to make this as comfortable as possible!

Thanks again! You are all the best!

Lesson Learned


I couldn't resist :) Now I am ready to forget about the 15 posts I lost forever... lesson learned.