This post is hard for me to write.
Food is my drug.
I use food both as a prize and a punishment.
I want to offer what might be a new perspective of eating disorders to some of you.
I take full blame for my weight. Sure I have some genetic links that would act as roadblock to weight loss but I take responsibility for every cookie consumed, every calorie counted, and every missed opportunity for exercise. All I care to offer is a deeper look into weight issues.
Maybe you've experienced this yourself, maybe not.
When you are over weight many people don't think twice before offering off subject advice as to diets to be tried and exercises to be applied. Most are offered with good intentions. Aside from a nutritionist and a personal trainer I bet I have more knowledge than many of these self appointed diet advisors. I know all about the benefits of cardio mixed with strength training to burn calories and strengthen endurance, yoga and pilates to achieve long and lean muscles, benefits from the south beach diet and the zone as being better balanced diets as opposed to diets like the Atkins where you might loose many pounds quick until you can no longer live with the many restrictions so you end up gaining all that was lost and some. I know you can trick your body with shots, drops or pills only to be left feeling drained of all energy or so jittery you feel you might have a heart attack. I know it because I've tried it. I've lost only to gain more. If only I could control my self motivation, my willpower, most all of my life struggles would be cured.
What many self appointed advisors with good intentions don't know is that you already have a constant internal dialogue telling yourself that if only you could run faster, fast longer, work harder you would then be beautiful or of worth.
What they don't know is that you hit rock bottom a few months before, going through the Krispy Kreme drive-thru by yourself. You anxiously drove home knowing that you were about to commit the worst of sin. You sat and stuffed, one by one, a bakers dozen worth of instant gratification only to then experience the deepest depths of self despair and defeat.
What they don't realize is that the only way you can feel you've regained any ounce of control at all is to purge until you can purge no longer.
Soon you see all food as punishment. Inside you hold your own sense of accomplishment in the form of a pang in your stomach. If only I can be this strong. I will go one more hour without food. Then another. I cave and eat an apple but at that point an apple might as well be the equivalent to eating your own weight in lard. You cracked. You can't even succeed at your eating disorder. You are no longer strong. The only comfort being the same fatty food that started this disgusting cycle.
7 comments:
Elizabeth,
I know how hard this post must have been for you, but good for you for taking the blame. I had one of those moments where you finally realize that you're fat because of YOU not anyone else, and I think it takes that moment along with a ton of struggling and a steadfast motivator to change things once you've had those eating habits your whole life. I'm not saying that I'm perfect, and I still have my days, but I learned that the only real motivator that worked for me was not "doing it for myself" but doing it for my future children. Changing my eating habits, exercising better, and being more active in general so that my future kids will know what normal is. So that they can have a good foundation to work from, unlike I had as a child.
You will figure it out. I am proud of you.
I'm proud of you too. And believe in you.
In accepting "blame," it's so important to not allow self-condemnation to ride in on the coattails of responsibility. I don't have it all worked out either, but I get a feeling for it once in a while.
Have you ever read Intuitive Eating? It rang very true for me, and inspired me so much. But I get few steps away from the book and suddenly I find myself falling into old ways of thinking. It's a real battle.
I think we have all felt this way at one time or another. Sometimes being a woman sucks and this is one reason. We are too hard on ourselves. My sister actually used food as a drug for a long time because she was suffering from neglect and loneliness from her husband. So i feel for you. It is a major battle.
And if you are ever interested, I am looking for a walking partner come summer time. We live close enough that it might work out. Let me know what you think cause I don't do well with self motivation. ;)
I think what you are doing is fantastic. +10 points. ;)
Thanks for the insight!!
Ok before I fell asleep I realized my comment could be confusing.i love that you are sharing personal stories and shedding light on topics that arusually hush hush. That is fantastic.
Thank you everyone! I agree that I need to find a balance to admitting fault but also knowing somethings are bigger than me.
I am seeking help and I hope others who struggle will as well. These are serious issues but they are my reality. I am blessed with a great support system, a wonderful therapists, and a couple of doctors. I am learning and growing everyday!
Again, I can't explain how grateful I am for everyone reading my posts. I gAin strength through you. I love you :)
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